hopetoloose

So I'll be nice and play :)

2006-08-08T11:49:00.000-05:00

Well, I was tagged twice! Does that mean I have to double the list? I hope not cause I didnt. Heck I havent even thought of the 5 I will write anyways. I layed in bed last night thinking about what I would write about and I realized almost all of them tied to the same thing. Go figure. But before I start this thing, let me just say that I HAVE BEEN BUSY MOVING!! Our house got done 2-3 weeks early. We got our keys on Fri July 28th. Just in the nick of time as a war could of been on the outbreak..lol I was getting VERY frustrated with my brother and we had even considered staying at a hotel for the last few weeks. But luckily things got done and we are in the house. And if anyone has and suggestions on how to get FINGERNAIL POLISH out of brand new carpet I would appreciate it! Um yeah. I am retarded. Luckily I got most of it out but I can still tell where it was. Someone who didnt know wouldnt even notice but I do, and its my new carpet and it really pisses me off at myself. I definately need a new brain.

Okay so enough babbling and I will play this game. I kinda have to hurry cause I get off work here in a half hour (and we havent gotten the internet at home yet) but I wanted to get this done today so my tagger friends (yeah thanks Melissa and Jen..tee hee) didnt think I was ignoring them. So here we go,

Here are the rules:The player of this game starts with "Five weird things/habits about yourself". In the end you need to choose five people to be tagged and list their names. The people who get tagged need to write a blog about their five weird things/habits, as well as state this rule clearly, then tag five more victims. Don't forget to leave your victim a comment that says "you're tagged!" in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1. I have self diagnosed OCD. That is what all my weird habits tie into. I align all the printers every morning on the shelves here at work. I have all the clothes in every closet color sorted and according to sleeve length. All the towels and washrags must be folded and stacked in the same direction. The cans in the pantry have to be aligned and in their own category. Yeah, its bad. Although sometimes I can give it a rest and let things go for a week or two then I go back through everything and reorganize it.

2. I crave carbs/sugar. If I were to have one last meal it would consist solely of these foods. Potatoes, breads, pasta. Love it. When we goto a buffet place, my plate usually consists of mac & cheese, mashed potatoes, spaghetti. Then my second plate is dessert. And that is all I eat. I would eat this every meal if I could.

3. I like to run around in shorts and T-shirts. Like at home. The minute I get home from work I strip down to my shorts and T-shirt, sans bra and socks. Winter time, summer time. You will always find me in these at home. My husband hates it when people stop over impromtu and I of course never have a bra on. So now just to be nice I will slip in the room and put it on mostly while they are knocking on the door. I hate to wear shoes or socks in the house too.

4. I love to pop my husbands pimples. And I say retarded things like Oh that was a cool one! Only his pimples though. I think someone elses would be gross. I dont know how it even started. And it mainly gets done like when we are in the bathroom after wink wink yyooouu know and we are in there cleaning up and all and for some reason that is when I do it. Yeah, nice way to end a good memory. Kinda like, yeah honey remember that one time we did it this way oh yeah then afterwards you had an awesome pimple on your back? Ug I cant believe I even told anyone about this....

5. I am out of things that doesnt tie into my OCD problem. I will have to think about this one a bit longer and I am out of time. I would hate to get my daughter to her orthodontist appointment a half hour late cause I was trying to finish my blog! ha ha So I must go and align my printers before I leave. Perhaps if I come up with something I will let you know. And I am sorry but I am not going to tag anyone cause its been a week since I have been able to surf so I havent gotten to read anyone elses blogs and see who has been tagged and who hasnt. But tomorrow, I will catch up on you all tomorrow I hope.

Here I am

2006-07-24T12:37:00.000-05:00

Hello all! Okay maybe I should say like Hello you threeish people! I know I have not very many readers at all. I am just not the entertaining way with words people most of you are. But I am alright with that. I like to lurk more than write. Which is what I have been doing with myself lately. So as you may notice, I have some new blogs to your right there. Some of my new reads. I come here pretty much every day and still check in on everyone elses blogs. I just have not much to say. I always feel all I do is complain in my blog about the weight loss thing so I am not really talking here about that anymore. I thought about changing the name but like I said, with not many readers I guess it doesnt really matter anyways.

For those that are familiar with me though, I will update you on my house situation...the building is almost complete. Should be in about 2-3 more weeks and we get to move in. I am so very excited and perhaps I will post some photos when we get in and get the computer all set up. We are still staying at my brothers and that is still going surprisingly well. No family wars, no hatred arising. Well, hum, guess maybe they could secretly be hating me and my husband right now and I wouldnt know it but hey...if it was that bad I am sure I would be well aware of it. I do have a sneaking feeling that are thanking God every night that they do not have children as I think with them being with my children so much now they are noticeably not the spoiling Aunt and Uncle anymore. Before we moved in they had them atleast one weekend a month and would spoil them like crazy then send the brats home. Now my brother said when we move out he doesnt want to see them again atleast until Christmas. That was the indication that the kids are driving them nuts. What I love about it though, is I keep saying..."you made them that way" because he has been the spoiler. He likes to do whatever he can to aggitate the shit out of me and my husband by letting them do things we wouldnt let them do, letting them eat nothing but junk, teaching them to talk back. So hopefully that will change after we move out too.

2006-04-04T13:00:00.000-05:00

I cant believe it was in March when I last posted! Time is flying by so fast. Matter of a fact I had my four week appointment with the trainer Saturday so I am 1/3 of the way through the program. I really like this next work out program she set up for me. At my last appointment (the two week one) she basically left everything the same since I was doing so well on it but had me go from 2 reps to 3 reps and make one rep the next higher weight. That went pretty well and I was still achieving gym whore status until last week. I only got to go three times last week. I was definitely I have noticed my house is definitely paying the price for me slacking there. There is dust everywhere and nothing is organized. One good thing is I am also able to use the we are moving and there is no sense in cleaning real good until we get everything out excuse! I havent went yet this week, I have a horrible chest cold. The kind when you exert yourself you start this nasty sounding barking cough until you almost get sick. Yeah, that stinks. When do you think I could get back? I am not sure on how to handle a sickness like this while trying to be a gym whore. This is a first for me as I normally would of said, oh I have a cold I cant go back until I am 100 percent healthy! Ha Maybe Tressa would know since she is officially an instructor now! ((yyyeeeaaah for Tressa)) Alls I do know is my chest and head hurts and I feel extremely exhausted. But I am excited to go and do this new routine. It has alot of different things so it will be nice to do something new.

As for the poundage, I am still at 7 pounds lost. Boo hoo. But its my fault. I was slipping back in the all or nothing attitude and since I hadnt been 100 percent on my gym I was slipping back into not being 100 percent on the food. But luckily I think I had realized that and am getting back into the food groove. The pills are still helping with the appetite but not as much as at first. I think I am getting used to them so I need to keep that in check and make sure I continue eating the same amounts and not slowing increasing it. I can feel my willpower trying to get back to itself but I am working against it. I have even turned down white birthday cake with white icing since starting this regimen. I don’t think I have ever done that. That is one of my most favorite things in the world! But I told myself, I am not missing out on anything, I know what cake tastes like, I will not die if I dont eat it today, and I will not have to go forever without ever eating it again. This is temporary. That was March 23rd. Since then I have noticed though I am letting a few more things slip their way into my mouth that I should have had the same attitude about. I have to focus on the goal here, which is making the witch cringe with envy on her wedding day… tee hee And sitting in the pew watching my husband walk down the aisle with someone else and holding my head high.

We signed the papers to close the deal on the selling of our house yesterday. That was nice to have that done. We have until April 15th to be moved out. Then we can start the building. It will be nice when it is all done and I can get settled again and get back to almost a normal routine again. Its going to be about 6 months.

So that is about all that is new with me. Still trucking along, struggling with that devil and angel that Bob encountered not too long ago. But I am going to get through this and make more progress.

And by the way Danica, I loved your suggestion!!! I just may have to do that! Not to mention I will have to watch that show to see what you are talking about!

Finding my Groove

2006-03-21T13:29:00.000-05:00

Things are still going well on the diet and exercise front. I am very pleased with the training schedule, the appetite suppressants, and my food choices. I have almost accomplished gym whoreness, lol. I went 6 times the first week and 5 times last week. I don’t really know what you would use as a guideline for the whoreness of it all, but I feel I am well on my way. I noticed I am making it a priority. Despite everything going on with the houses and moving and all, I am making the gym a must. Everything else will get done when I have a chance. For the first time in forever I have even went to the gym on Sat and Sun the last two weekends. I don’t think the pills give me any energy per se but they definitely help with the appetite. I get fuller faster and I am just not hungry for any junk. They just don’t even sound good, not even my beloved soda. I have drank enough water in the last two weeks to probably cover the amount 4 people should drink. Even on my favorite bar night, St Pattys day, I only drank two drinks. I am a bit frustrated with the hubs. I remember a time when I was complaining about going to the gym and how it feels like there is never enough time for me to fit all that in during one night and he said something to the affect he would help me out if I went. So now I am going but I am not seeing this help. I come home and I am just spent. I am working out really hard, doing my weight training (rotating between upper and lower) and cardio every time I go, I come home drenched in sweat and physically shaking. And more often then not having to take the kids with me. He is usually standing around with his thumb up his butt and a beer in the other hand. To start supper sometimes would be nice. Just start it. He doesn’t need to make the whole thing, just attempt some sort to help me out. And don’t say you don’t know what we are having because I keep a very organized dinner schedule. I shop once a week, so I have a list on the fridge of the meals planned for the week. So then I get home get supper going straighten things up, and its 6:30-7:00 before we get to eat. Then its kids bath, laundry, more straightening, then bed. All the while he is usually sitting at the computer talking to his brother on the phone. Ugg. But on the upside, I have lost 7 pounds. I feel in a really good place right now and I have most of you to thank for it. It is so great reading your blogs, getting the inspiration, and getting myself in gear. Thank you all so much for putting yourselves out there for us to read. It really does help others a lot!

I'm Still Around!!

2006-03-09T13:54:00.000-05:00

Howdy! Gosh I am feeling really up beat! I have been wanting to write for quite some time now but geesh I have had lots of real work to do. Not to mention, in the few downtimes I have had here and there I would check in real quick on my Ebay account as I had a big item up for auction but it ended today. It got my reserve met, whew! That was the first thing I have sold on there, it was really cool. Now I am scouring the house looking for more things to sell! The more I sell the less I have to pack eventually! Ha ha

Things with the house are moving along. We had an open house this weekend. That went well. We even got an offer but things didnt work out. They didnt have a down payment so their loan would have been more then they could get approved for. Oh well, that is only the first. Hope there are more to come. Then, we close on the land loan next Tuesday. That makes me nerval!

I met with the trainer. One word AWESOME! I loved it. I am going to post the dreaded pre-assessment results to humiliate myself and get my ass in gear. Although, without even doing that I have been doing really well. Lets see, I got that done Thursday, on Friday I went to the Y but I didnt do my program cause I wanted to start on Monday with a fresh week so I walked the walking track for 60 MINUTES!!! (while the kids played basketball) Then I started my program on Monday. She set me up to do lower body and abs Mon and Thurs, and upper body on Tues and Fri. And all four days of course Cardio also. I went Mon and Tues, not Weds of course with bowling, and going tonight. After Mon and Tues I have to say I was a bit sore. At point I had gotten up in the middle of the night to go pee (from the massive loads of water I am drinking) and I didnt think I could wipe myself I was so sore..ha haI have noticed this feels different. As I said, I thought I would want to impress her so that is what would keep me motivated and so far I am right. I noticed I keep thinking, now I have to make it there ATLEAST what she set up for me cause I want to WOW her. And I want to make it there even more to wow her even more. Like tonight, I won this massage gift certificate (yea me) for a local salon and they made my appointment at 6:15. Now normally I would think about skipping my workout with everything that needs done at home and so I wouldnt be so nasty sweaty for my massage. But I found today that just wasnt even an option for me. I immediately thought, okay if I get to the Y right after work and get atleast my strength training done I can get done get home and maybe do a few things and clean up then I can add a cardio this weekend to make up for missing cardio tonight. That may not be much for some, but that is a big change for me. (as you may know from my previous posts..lol I normally would take any excuse as a good excuse not to exercise). Also, another motivation. Remember that girl I was complaining about here they just asked my hubby to be in their wedding 6 months from today. I have to kick some ass and look nice on that day!! I am tired of feeling inferior to her! Okay, now for the dreaded results. I will then post my new results at the end of the 12 week program and hopefully there will be some improvements..(they also rate on a scale of 0-100; 0 being very poor, 100 being excellent)
Weight: 222
Body Fat Levels: Body Fat 96.1%, Lean Weight 123.9 RATE: 1/Very poor
Cardiovascular Capacity: Bike Test RATE: 99/Excellent
**This totally amazes me! How can I be so fat but my heart in such good shape? How this test was done was they put me on a bike and had me pedal for 8 minutes while keeping the RPMs at a certain number while they changed the resistance and watched my heart rate.
Musculoskeletal: Push Up Test (did 25 reps before I died) Rate: 76/Good
Times Situps (did 13) Rate: 18/Poor
Flexibility: Sit and Reach Rate: 35/Below Av
**On this I though I would do better because despite my obesity I am very flexible and double jointed but this was a strange test. You had to push this thing with your arms in front of you and I think my gut got in the way..lol
So there you have it. Lets see in 12 weeks if I can actually for once get something accomplished! I do also feel like I am cheating a bit, but I am back to taking a appetite supressent. This one is a prescription one, not even them over the counter ones could touch my huge stomach. I feel like that is cheating but I guess I have to do what will work aside from surgical or whatever. Please dont judge me on that! But I am not taking it and eating crap. I am doing well with my food choices. Want examples?? Huh huh? Well let me tell you about my day today (for once I am proud to say it)! For breakfast ¾ cup Cheerios Vanilla Yogurt with FF milk and a banana. For lunch a salad and one of those Campbells cup of soups and a ff pudding. And my momma gave me a present of one of those Reeses peanut butter eggs. She knows I love them. Anyways, not only did I not scarf it down immediately, when I did eat it (6 hours later) I split it with a co worker! That has never happened for me! And I have had (4) 16oz glasses of water so far! Im so psyched!

I've Been Tagged For The FIRST Time!

2006-02-25T10:53:00.000-05:00

I got tagged for the first time! Its like my tagged virginity has just been taken. And by one of my newest favorite reads nonetheless. I am so excited! I have actually been wanting to post so this gave me some incentive so I will do this tagged thing first then tell you all about my wonderful exciting life (ha I wish)

So here it goes, I hope I do this right:

4 jobs I've had:
1. Laboratory Assistant
2. Office Manager
3. Photography Assistant
4. Any fast food/waitress restaurant in my town, I almost worked at all of them in my teenage years.

4 movies I can watch over and over:
1. The Sweetest Thing
2. Dirty Dancing
3. Family Man
4. I cant remember the name of this one.. it was about a girl that was mentally slow. Diane Keaton was her mom.. Something about sister.

4 places I've lived:
1. Ohio
2. Sevierville Tennesse
3. Ohio
4. Ohio
(I have lived in about 4 towns in Ohio here all within about 10 minutes of where I currently live, growing up we moved alot)

4 tv shows I love:
1. Grays Anatomy
2. Desperate Housewives
3. That is all I get to watch and I usually have to record them (Yeah we dont have TiVo in our little town, well we might have it available but I know noone that even has it) because they are on so late I am getting the kiddies ready for bed and all.
4. I would love to see the L Word too but I dont get HBO either, sad sad I know.

4 places I've vacationed:
1. Destin, Florida
2. Maui, Hawaii
3. Oahu, Hawii
4. Pigeon Forge, Tennessee

4 of my favorite dishes (make that FOOD):
1. Anything with potatoes
2. Anything with bread
3. Any desserts
4. And I could have a meal of just soda if I needed to!

4 places I would rather be right now:
1. On vacation, Hawaii would be nice
2. Somewhere eating a great meal
3. Anywhere not at work (where I am now)
4. At the Biggest Looser ranch

Now to tag three people. Gee I think that is more than the actual number of people that read my blog!! Ha but I will try Jen, Diane, and Tressa. If you dont want to that is fine, I am good at taking rejection..tee hee Plus like I said I have never been tagged before so I dont know if everyone else gets as excited as I did! Ha ha I have no life!

Anyways, so I joined the YMCA like I said I was going to. I signed up for this really cool program to try to encourage myself. I will meet with a trainer this Thursday and she will give me a fitness assessment. She will check my cardiovascular, my flexibility, my strength, and my body fat to muscle ratio (which I already told her it was probably atleast 75/25 ha). So then after that she will set me up a work out according to these results to improve on them. Then every two weeks I check in with her. We set goals for every two weeks and she sees if I accomplish them or atleast come close. Then we reset goals and change my work out a bit and continue on checking in every two weeks for 12 weeks. At the end of 12 weeks we redo the fitness assessment and see how I have progress. If I make my goals and my ending goal I get a surprise (I of course asked if it would be a donut..ha ha). I hope this works for me and I think it will because I dont want to let her down. She is cute and has this awesome little body and I dont want her thinking, oh yeah I knew she couldnt do it. I want to WOW her! So I think this will work. I got this new little gadget too that I am excited about using. I am so getting into all this new technological stuff (okay, minus TiVo).

Well, I will stop there for today. Dont want to make this like a book! Have a great weekend everyone!!

TGIF!!!

2006-02-17T10:19:00.000-05:00

Thanks everyone for approving my new blog appearance! Lol I really really like it. Much more serene, much cleaner, and have I mentioned yellow daisys are one of my favorite flowers? Stargazer lilies are right up there too, they are my two favorite flowers. I actually looked all around for a template with stargazer lilies but I could not find one. Now I am sorta glad cause this one just makes me feel better looking at it. Yellow is my favorite color. Speaking of Lilies (that is where Lilly the puppy got her name), some of you have asked about her and I forgot to reply. Unfortunately Lilly does not live with us anymore. She got mad at me one day and decided to crap all over her cage and throw it everywhere along with her food, then ate some of my house. Now I would normally understand and work through it considering she is a puppy and all but with the house for sale and it happening more then once I was unsure of what to do about it. Then a friend here at work said another lady used to breed Jack Russells and hers got ran over and she would love another one and waalaa she got a puppy!! I miss her dearly but I call to check on her frequently. She is much happier, there is another dog there to play with.

So I thought I would update you on the house thing. We gave up on bidding on the one. They were pricks. The came down like 4,000 from their asking price then would not budge. That is crazy. When we listed ours we made sure to leave room for negotiating. You normally take that into consideration. Like if I were wanting to get a house for 150,000 I would look at houses that are priced close to 160,000 because around here it seems you can give yourself a 10,000 lead way on the negotiations. These people must not of heard that. This is our third go around at buying and that is how it has been everytime we have bought and sold (can you tell we just havent found THE place yet that we want to grow old in..lol) So we gave up on that, and now my husband is back on just buying land and building our own, which we have been eyeballing some land and got a home plan picked out. Our home has been on the market (the is a photo of my home now) for a week now. No callers yet but I wasnt expecting any yet. Thank goodness too cause I am getting some things done I wanted to before someone schedules a viewing and I still have a few things left (paint the bathroom, fix some woodwork, things like that). We go Sunday to meet the realtor and take a hike around the land. It has a stream, I like that. That would be fun to sit by at night with a fire, or ride the dirt bikes over.

Yesterday I added some new links, found some more blogs I like to read. I spent most of the day reading their archives catching up so I will be more familiar with their new entries. I was over at the Cancer Lab and it was chemo day so I didnt have much blood to draw. Today I am back over at the hospital and its not too bad today. I am sooo glad it is Friday. We are going out tonight. Got a sitter and all! The hubs is bowling in our mens city tournaments so I am going to sit and drink Grape Smirnoff! I won $30 on the womens tournaments (I got 10th place…yeah mmeee!!) and I told him I was going to get as many as I want (he always complains because they are so much more expensive then beer). I cant wait! Then I am off on Monday so I think I would like to be a gym whore that day and take the kids to the YMCA and work out and play most the day.

Oh yeah, my lovely son has now got the new sitter to no longer want to babysit him too. Matter of a fact she was not going to come back after Weds but I talked her into riding it out until next Friday then I got a new one to start on the 27th. Gosh I cant wait until he starts school so I can quit worrying about this. Of course then he will just be in the office all day long but I dont have to worry about someone not showing up to watch him. I dont know what his deal is. I told him last night I was going to change my parenting approach, less talking more action. He found out quickly what I meant by that (after the second surprise paddling). Man it just breaks my heart to see him cry but something has to give.

Okay, enough babbling today. I could go on and on, I feel really good on the insides today but I will stop now. Hope you all have a great weekend!

I did it! I did it!

2006-02-15T14:29:00.000-05:00

(I am singing like Dora the Explorer)! Do you like it? I really do. It's a nice change. I need change!

New things

2006-02-10T11:19:00.000-05:00

I am in the process of getting a new blog appearance. I have found one I like, I am waiting on a response from the designer to send me the code or whatever that is called. I have decided I need to get out with the old and in with the new. Everything in my life is the same old same old, therefore I am the same. I have to stop this cycle. I have to get in the game. I have dreams for myself. Sometimes I picture this “new” me in certain situations. For instance, when it comes to food, I would love to be able to say “no” and stick with it and not be pissed off at the world because they can eat what they want and I cant. To be out to eat and not be mad because I need to get something that doesn’t really sound that wonderful. But get what I know I need to get and just deal with it. To not be so negative, to work on myself. And realize that damn it I have to do it and in the long run I will be happy that I skipped that Pot Roast Sandwich from Bob Evans, that I didn’t order Dairy Queen with the girls at work. To realize that after I make some progress that I can occasionally have a small treat. To get to the gym and actually do what I am suppose to do, not just walk lightly on the treadmill. Speaking of the gym, I even kicked my old gym to the curb. You know the one I have complained about. I am tired of going up there and only 2 out of 5 treadmills working and someone is on them. Only 1 recumbent bike works and only 1 stair climber. I have decided to join our YMCA. I can do all sorts of things there to entertain myself. I am hoping to become a gym whore as my friend Diane! Tee hee I want to have goals. I want to not be jealous of everyone else.

So that is what I expect of myself, a reminder for when I am sitting here at my desk at work and the girls are trying to decide where to order lunch from, to pull up my blog and this post and read it. To always keep in mind that I am doing this for ME in the end. I will be the one to benefit and I just need to kick my ass in to gear. :)

P.S. We officially put our house on the market last night and put a bid in on the other house! Here’s hoping!

2006-01-31T09:36:00.000-05:00

Goodness, it has been awhile since I posted. Things have been hectic. My husband is on the kick of selling his old car and the house and buying either some land or a house on some land. We love to ride our dirt bikes but where we live now we really don’t have the room to do it there. So if we want to get any good riding in we have to load them up and go somewhere else. That is a pain and mostly results in us not riding very often. I am excited about one house we are looking at, sits on 19 acres and the people that live there have already put a riding track in the back. Sounds so cool. It would be so great to get up on the nice summer weekends, maybe pack some food and hop on the dirt bikes and go back there and ride all day.

Also happening is my son changed our whole day care situation around. He has gone to a preschool/daycare for the last 3 years. He will start Kindergarten this fall. Anyways, its kinda his fault, kinda the day cares fault. He had gotten to the point where he would throw a fit if he didn’t get his way, now mind you he is 5 so he should be way out of the 2 year old tantrums by now. When he is at home we don’t have that happening but he was doing it there because there was a certain teacher enabling him. She just thought he was her personal buddy and would baby him like crazy. In some ways, it was a good thing but when she was not there, no one else could handle him. Now come on, you mean to tell me out of the 10 women that worked there they could not handle one 5 year old little guy throwing a fit?? Its not like he was going A-wall or anything. Just some loud crying, wouldn’t listen to you telling him to calm down. Anyways, it got to the point where they were calling me at work, either having me talk to him or asking me to come pick him. After having to miss two days of work because of that, I said no more. We gave our notice and we left. Now we have a jacked up situation going on but I just keep thinking, if I can get through till August. He will start school then and I will only need a babysitter in the morning for a few hours and on no school days. My sister in laws little filipino mother is coming to house to watch him. She can hardly speak English. It has been interesting to say the least..lol Then since she cant drive I have a friend of mine coming to get my daughter and take her to school. Ahh, its been a headache but like I said if I can get through it, we will be alright when school starts. Then I will take them back to some sort of day care since it is only for 2 hours. One nice thing is we will save some money this summer. It is going to be cheaper to pay her then it would have been the day care. Man, they had jacked their prices up to where it was going to cost $220 a week this summer.. ugg glad I don’t have to pay that.

Dieting is the same. Still consciously trying but not fully succeeding. My lastest venture has been thinking of applying to the Biggest Looser. I know I will not get called, but would that not be awesome if I was? Okay, unrealistic I know. But man I have had some doosey ideas in the past… checked on gastric by-pass (luckily that didn’t pan out), checked on liposuction (that didn’t happen either). The Lord must intend for me to work my butt off and do it myself because none of the easy options ever seem to work for me.. ha ha I just need to get away from this environment for awhile and get a kick start. I know once I lost some and saw some results that I would not give in to temptation as easily. These people around me are so rude.. ha ha I work with a bunch of nice shaped junk food junkies. How they do it I will never know. They corrupt me, I am so weak. And I have tried saying “hey look, you can tell I am obviously over weight, I am dieting so please lets all make an effort to help me out” So you know what they do then, secretly plan the lunches and breakfast’s. Okay, I can still smell it. I see the bags, I see the wrappers. Then I get upset, feel like I am not their friend anymore. It’s a never ending circle. I need to find some strength. It’s like I find the inspiration, I get myself totally motivated. For instance, you all know how the hubby is about my weight. We have a serious talk and I think you know, all I need to do is loose some weight and our lives would be so perfect. That is all we are missing. I can do this if not only for him and the kids but for me so I am at peace with myself… That feeling last for 5 minutes or until I am alone with a few bucks to go through a drive thru.

Playin Around

2006-01-19T13:05:00.000-05:00

You are Sally!

Which Peanuts Character are You?
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New Week

2006-01-17T11:10:00.000-05:00

I am back “on the wagon”. I had a really good day yesterday. Not wonderful in some’s eyes, but better in mine. I am on a kick with these egg mcmuffin things I got from Hungry-girl. Speaking of hungry-girl, you have all heard of them haven’t you? If not, you need to register for their morning emails. They are the best. I get lots of ideas from them. Anyways, so yesterday and today I brought the stuff to make them for breakfast at work. That is working out really well. This is my day yesterday:

B: Egg McMuffin (WW English muffin, one egg, slice ff cheese, slice Healthy Choice Ham), and half a banana
L: Vegetable soup and ½ a Sunkist (had a major caffeine withdrawl headache but I am still happy with that because I normally would of just drank the whole thing, I saved the other half if the headache comes back today)
S: Very small apple (everyone was laughing it was so small), light string cheese stick, and 12 almonds
D: Spaghetti with the family (I did use white turkey instead of hamburger but we did have regular spaghetti, the hubby does not like wheat noodles)
S: No Pudge Fudge Bar

I did not get any exercise yesterday, the kids has dentist appointment. Now to some that may not be a great day, but considering what I had been eating I was happy with that. The last few weeks, we are talking I was eating something like McDonalds, bacon sandwiches, or donuts for breakfast. Something out for lunch like Arbys, Taco Bell. Then maybe even a snack in the afternoon like chocolate and supper. Bad bad bad. So the food is getting back on track. I just don’t understand myself, I look at myself, whether in the mirror or in photos and I am thoroughly disgusted. I think I can see why my husband says he is not attracted to me. Then its like I get so pissed off I make myself not care. I do even more to encourage it. This cycle has to stop somewhere.
The puppy is doing alright. Notice I didn’t say good, great, wonderful. She is really trying my patience, but dang gone it she is so cute. The potty training is really hard. I keep hoping her bladder will start to get bigger and it is just not seeming that way. Example; last night we got home at 4:30 and let her out and she went. At 5:30 I caught her squatting on my carpet took her out and she finished. At 6:30 she was acting fishy so I took her out and she went again. At 7:30 she popped a squat on the floor again. I was about to blow it. Its like we cant take our eyes off her. If we even look away for a moment even right after we have taken her out she will pee. I am not liking that. Pooping is going alright. She is sorta on a schedule with that and it is working out fine. And I have limited her water intake. I just don’t get. I don’t expect her to be perfect right now, but I did expect some improvement by now.

Meet Lilly

2006-01-11T21:36:00.000-05:00

This is the new puppy. So far she is a good puppy and the vet said she was good for her breed (as far as in her hyperness and biting, ect). The potty training is really getting my patience though!! lol She knows she has me wrapped around her finger though, not good. I have to correct that now. She is 6 pounds and 9 weeks old.

Tuesday January 10th

2006-01-10T13:48:00.000-05:00

Do you ever go to start a blog and you realize you don’t know how to start it? I do that all the time. I sit here thinking, I am going to blog today, then I spend a lot of time trying to decide how to start it. Do I say “hello”?? Do I just start my ramblings? I don’t know. Then I have wasted my blog time on that and don’t get to post..lol

Anyways, I have been accomplishing a lot of the little things today. Places called, appointments scheduled, ect. Of course, all among my work day. Tee hee I wouldn’t know what to do if I couldn’t get some things done at work. I pay my bills at my desk, balance my checkbook, blog, surf, all that stuff I don’t have time at home to do!! Also, today on my agenda was to add more people to my blogs I frequent list. People I am coming across that I love their personalities and their blogs (Danielle, Tressa, Danica). So I go into my template as usual and get them all added, and they are not showing up. That is why there is that big space over there (see it?) That is where they are suppose to be.. Why that didn’t work I don’t know. I did it like I did all the others. So I gave up for now. I will look at it more on Saturday when I work (Saturdays are always boring). But if you have any input let me know.

So we got a new addition to the family. I will post a photo Wednesday night. (that is when I will have time at home to download). Her name is Lilly and she is a two month old Jack Russell puppy. We got her Friday night. Kinda one of those things where the kids and I were at home and hubby was at his usual happy hour and it was getting to be late. I was getting madder and madder by the minute. Come 7 and he wasn’t home so I decide that we are going to go somewhere so if he comes home he can wonder where we are (childish, yes I know..tee hee). I had to run a few errands so I bribe the kids and tell them if they are good while we do them things we can swing by the pet store and visit the pets. We have done this before and no problem. But there was no Lilly there those times. One look at her and I got her out of the kennel and held her for atleast an hour. Then hubby calls and he is home wondering where we are (it worked ha ha) so I tell him and he says oh he wants to come and see what I have been holding. So he comes. A bit tipsy of course. And before I knew it the kids were putting dog food, collars, toys, and leashes in a cart. Well I couldn’t let them down at that point. So I bought her. Him being drunk, he really had no protests and thought she was as adorable as I. Keep in mind, I have major self diagnosed OCD when it comes to a clean organized house. We have light carpets all over the house, nice furniture, clean everything. So this has been a big enlightening experience for me. Had I not just paid for this dog I think she would have been gone by now. Not to mention, now I am thinking of somethings that money would have been better used for. But the kids are so excited. So I am concentrating of that and remembering she is just a puppy and to be patient and it will get better. I look forward to when the kids are older and we have a pet they have a history with. Wait till you see her, you will understand…
I have been surfing the ebay site checking out the Nutrisystem food for sale. I did bid on some but I lost. I am up in the air with that. I was thinking I would like to try to get some from there but there was a only few select foods my orders with them consisted of. But that is about the only way I felt I could get it. I just do not want to charge another shipment. And I realized had I won that, I would of still had quite a few foods I didn’t like and what to do with them? So then I thought about the whole process and am now trying to decide between maybe ordering a la carte from there just my breakfast and lunches and still doing the dinner with the family.. or just getting my freaking ass in gear and using all that research I did when I went from NS to NS on my own and staple down. I read everyones comments from before and they all make so much sense. I totally love everyones input and thank you all so much. That is the whole reason I write in this crazy thing is to get your input. It really helps me put things in a different light.

Happy New Year!

2006-01-06T14:26:00.000-05:00

I am still alive… Man this new-year has been kickin my butt since it started. I was off the whole week between Christmas and New Years (so was the hubby) but we both had to start back Monday the 2nd and it has been non-stop since. I always have end of the year crap to do, which I worked on for the whole 8 hours Monday. And then all my other stuff is piling up and to make a long explanation short, I just have actually been working at work rather than blogging. Of course, I have made sure to keep up with everyone else’s blogs so I don’t get behind on their lives. So here I am…

Christmas was good. Got a new digital camera and printer. I love it. Seems to be fairly easy to use. Now if I can get a photo taken of myself I can get it on. I just feel like such a slob, I hate to even think of anyone taking my photo. Although last week we had a viewing to go to and I did my hair and make up for the first time in ages and it all fell right in to place. I should of had Jeff take a photo of me then don’t know what I was thinking. Most days (okay every day unless we have something to go to) I wear no make up whatsoever. I hate it. It makes my face feel heavy and hot (not sexy hot, but like summer humidity hot)! And my hair….ugg I am trying to let it grow out. I have very thick hair. It looks like a lion mane right now. I hate it. But I will get a photo taken. Maybe I will do a every day look photo and a made up going out photo. Either way, in both of them, I will still be fat. This diet thing is not going well. Maintaining over the holidays didn’t happen. I think I gained like 7 pounds. Then the first of the year, was going to get back on track. Hasn’t happened yet. I just don’t know what my deal is. Of course I like to blame a lot of it on the hubby. He just drives me nuts sometimes. Walking around the house last night rubbing that little waist of his….”man I am soo bloated…” I look pregnant” “I am going to start dieting”.. okay so then what…. Your waist will go down to like 25 inches??? Whatever. I do not like people who are naturally skinny complaining and whining about that stuff. So therefore I think, you are a ass, you are only saying that stuff directing it towards me, so what do I do… Eat more. So in fact, I need to grow up and take the blame. I need to get on this band wagon and loose the weight and make him take back everything he has every put me through. (as I sit and type this I have ate so much today I feel nauseated. I need to stop this madness). Its like his words ring in my ears all day long and I just keep shoveling the food in thinking “take that bastard”. And what does that help? It all hurts me in the end. I need to learn that. Whether it be because I am overweight and its affecting my health, or making me sad, or even it makes my marriage worse cause he sees I am not trying, he does something to piss me off (out drinking all night), we fight… It ruins everything. Okay, I will be out with it, wanna know what I have eaten today?? I cant believe I am going to tell you, and be honest.. I had two donuts and a 16 oz coke this morning. For lunch had a hamburger and tater tots from the café here at work and a brownie and a 16 oz coke and have had about 32 oz of water. I mean, what the heck? TWO donuts AND a brownie in the same day? Within about 3-4 hours of eachother? I am out of control. When will I get this in my thick skull and realize I would benefit the most from it. I think I hate to be hungry. I am very picky. So dieting, I am hungry a lot because there is not a variety of foods I like. I would love to get back on Nutrisystem but it is way to expensive for me. I still owe my credit card like $900 from the last time with them. That sucks. Wish I were rich. Then I would have money and be able to be skinny. Ahh dreams. Ironic isn’t though… I eat crap cause I can only afford crap, therefore makes me fat. It is much cheaper at the store to buy the bad for you processed foods then it is the healthier foods. It is very hard to diet on a strict 70 buck a week grocery store budget when you are trying to feed a family of four, get the stuff for your daughters lunches everyday, and the household necessities.
Okay, enough of me whinning. I had so much more to talk about today but I went on a on with that so I will end now.. Will just have to blog more often so I don’t have so much to say at a time! Cya all!!

Thursday December 22

2005-12-22T10:17:00.000-05:00

The other day I tried to post a photo of my kiddies but I couldn’t get it to go. I will have to try again today (I tried again before posting this and once again didnt get it to go). I just wanted to check in and say hello to everyone. I probably wont be back on for a bit, I am off work after today until the first of the year! Yipppeee! We really don’t have any plans. A nice vacation would be wonderful but we have no fundage for that. Just hanging out, getting somethings done we need to at home and spending some time with the kids. That will be nice.

On the diet front, maintaining isn’t going so well. I think I have gained about 5 pounds. I so am going to get back on the ball. And this week of course I haven’t made it to the gym. Shoot we just got our tree up Tuesday night. It has been so overwhelmingly busy. Starting Monday though, I am back. 100%. I wish I could get some NS food to get me going again but I just cannot afford that. Work has been torture this week. We had a free lunch from the hospital on Tuesday, ribeye steaks, garlic mashed potatoes or rice, seasoned green beans or brocolli, salad, rolls, and a big variety of cheescakes. Then Weds we had our carry in for the lab department. Oh my gosh, everything under the sun. Oh how I love food. But I am going to make myself a nice realistic goal for next year that I know I can tell myself I can do it. Maybe I can use Kalani as my motivation. I love her HNT photos and would love to post some someday of my own (although I don’t think I could ever be as creative or sexy). Of course, one of the main things is also my lack of technology. I have no camera that can easily download on the computer not to mention my cell phone is crap. But anyways, also remind myself that I want to get a family photo taken next October for Christmas cards next year and I don’t want to look like the same elephant I am now. Especially sitting next to my 140 pound hubby..lol
Well if I don’t get to comment on your posts, have a wonderful Christmas and New Years.

Thank You Everyone!

2005-12-16T13:08:00.000-05:00

Thank you all for your bits of advice. I really appreciate them a lot. I definitely understand what you all are saying. When I think about the relationship I am in I can honestly say for the most part I am not happy. I know this, I think of the life I could lead outside of this relationship and think it would be so much healthier emotionally. I just haven’t figured out how to do it. We are a family that lives paycheck to paycheck. We have barely any savings (meaning mostly around a hundred or two bucks), no college fund started even for the kids yet. We do own our home (well paying on it) and it is a nice home. I would say we are middle class looking people. But just not a ton of fundage coming our way. So anyways, back to the figuring things out. I basically feel stuck. We pretty much cant part ways unless we sold our home. He has absolutely no family he could stay with and I have a brother I know I could stay with and have done that before (when I left not too long ago). But that was sooo hard on the kids. There we were in a place where none of our belongings except a few articles of clothing were. They didn’t have their toys, their things. Even when it came to packing my daughters lunch for school there were things I needed that wasn’t there, doing her homework, just OUR STUFF. So that is why I went ahead and went home. We cant afford for one of us to get a place until the house sold. So what do I do? Basically what I have been doing, living and trying to cope but not doing so well at it. I try to tell myself, fine I don’t care I am done with this relationship I am going to tell him we are going to put the house up and when it goes we will go our own ways. Then when I tell him that I want to sell he just says “Oh stop. Youre being ridiculous”. And blows me off. And I think with the house loan being in both our names don’t I have to have his consent to put it on the market?

Okay, enough about this shitty marriage bullcrap. On the diet front… ha that sucks too. These holidays stink. We have candy everywhere here at work. There is this local company Marie’s Candies that have THE BEST chocolates ever. If I were rich I would send you all a sample box to let you feel my pain…(insert evil laugh) But our patients and the doctors send us boxes galore. Just in today we have gotten another box of Marie’s, a sub way foot long sub party, and a Marie’s chocolate covered pretzel (huge). And as you can tell from the marriage situation I am in, I am not a strong willed person…lol Ugg. But on a good note I am still getting to the gym at least 3 days a week although it feels worthless considering I am still not even probably burning off the candy calories alone. But I am trying to at least maintain until the first of the year since I am a weak, weak person.
Wow, such a positive post I have just created huh? I didn’t mean for you to come and leave feeling sad..ha ha I will have to work on writing about more positive and funny things. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Privacy

2005-12-14T11:29:00.000-05:00

Today I have a topic. Something I would like everyone’s opinion on. Privacy in a marriage… Is there any? Should there be some? Should there be none? I just don’t know. This is something my husband and I are currently addressing. Well, we have been addressing it for sometime now but it comes and goes. He believes he should have some sort of privacy. I think we are married, there should be no secrets, therefore no privacy. I mean, I don’t expect to hear every teenie tiny little detail of his day or whatever, but the big stuff, I want the full scoop.

A little background on this… He of course feels he gets no privacy but yet deserves it. Mainly this topic comes up when I have checked his cell phone for calls or checked the history on the computer. Now let me tell you why I do that… I check his phone because as I have mentioned before he has ruined my trust a few years ago. He made “friends” with a 18/19 year old temporary at the factory he works at. They would sit in her car after work talking, take breaks together. He kissed her. Supposidly that is all physically that happened, but there are two times that he was MIA that I think he could have been with her although he swears he was not. I found out, we separated, they continued to talk on the phone (I happened to find out her last day at his factory). We decided to work on things, he told her not to call him anymore. Since within the last month, she started working at his factory again, for about 4 weeks, and was recently let go again. Of course it has been a known fact to me by him that part of that reason is the big weight issue he has with me and the “lack of attraction” he feels for me. Being the retard I am I asked him if he was attracted to her.. That was dumb. Of course he is. So that weighs on me everyday. Okay, with the computer issue I do check his history because it drives me freaking nuts that he insists on looking at naked women, porn, what have you. Now it is not the nakedness that bothers me, heck I make sure the Playboy subscription stays renewed every year. I am the one that offers to go to the “back room” at the video store when the kids aren’t home. My beef is why are his searches always are for “young naked teens”, “hot fresh virgins”. So what is up with that??? Why do they need to be “barely 18”??? “young horny teens”??? Why cant he just search for freaking regular naked women? What about the MILF sites??? Lol So last night I catch him deleting some of his history and I went off. He says well he has no privacy. I say you don’t deserve privacy. I say maybe you had a bit before you did what you did, but now you get none. He says why do I keep throwing that up? I say well if you would properly apologize for what happened and act remorseful for it, I perhaps would be a bit trusting. If he would not take a mile when I give an inch I would perhaps not be so cynical.

Now I find myself sitting at work today thinking about everything and thinking maybe I am in the wrong. Should I give him atleast some privacy? Okay, I know I wont but atleast not make it obvious I am checking anymore (such as saying… Oh I see you were searching for teens in thongs last night..ha ha or saying I see your brother called your phone today..) Or am I in the right?

Checking in!

2005-12-09T15:20:00.000-05:00

My, time has flown by. I didn’t realize it had been so long since I posted. Not much going on though. Right now we have some massive snow here in Ohio. It is so pretty. I love it. Last year we had this massive ice storm, everything was pretty much shut down for a week, even our house had no electricity for a week. (although since I work at the hospital I didn’t get off work) But I loved it. We stayed with family (they had electricity). We played games, watched TV. Had a nice family time. Everyday life just gets too hectic. We always have intentions. I intend to play more games with the kids. I intend to sit and relax more. I intend to laugh more. And none of it ever happens. Until we loose electricity. Then I have nothing else to do. Cant sweep. Cant wash the dishes. Cant do the laundry. So I enjoyed the time. Although every where around me I keep hearing everyone say “Oh I hope we don’t have a winter like last year”. I am saying “Bring it on!” lol

So on the diet front everything is going alright. I am having the same struggles as Jen, the weekends. Man during the week I do decent. Then on the weekends I struggle, gain back what I lost during the week. I know I can make it when/if I ever get to the maintenance phase. I can maintain well. Just cant get past it. I have been doing the gym thing still about 3 x a week. Making some progress. I love it. I am so addicted to progress and sweating right now. I did just have a lady here at work ask if I was still working on loosing and I said yes and she said she said she could tell. That totally excited me. The scale isn’t showing it as much as I would like but that is alright. I know the workouts I am doing I have to be atleast toning or something. The food is my problem. If only I were as strong as Bob!!!
Well almost time to get off work. Better get going. Heading to the gym!! Have a great weekend!

I thought I was invincible

2005-11-30T12:49:00.000-05:00

I was thinking I wasn’t doing that well on my food and would hop on the scale and it wouldn’t change. No loss, no gain. I thought, wow… this is cool. It did cross my mind that perhaps the scale was broke, but I kept making everyone else get on there and it worked for them. So I must of thought, hum lets eat more and see what happens. Three pounds is what happened. Geesh, I made it through turkey day just fine. The weekend AFTER is when I gain. We did have a good weekend though. Haven’t had one of those in ages. My brother asked for the kids from Friday until Sunday. At one point, I did wish they were home. I was bored. I could never go back to my non-parental days. What did I do to entertain myself? Oh yeah…eat!!!!! So hubby and I actually had a whole weekend were no one packed their clothes. No yelling. No screaming. Just enjoying each other. I think a lot of the less stress on my part was I am the one always stuck at home with the kids. So then when he wanted to do something I was like okay cause either I could go or I could easily go check on him.. ha ha Friday I had to work and my brother came to get the kids before I got off. So when I got off I met hubby at the gym, then we went to happy hour and out to eat (we NEVER get to eat out at a restaurant, we usually never have the money for that but I was bound and determine to find some somehow so we could have fun). Then Saturday we kinda did our own thing most of the afternoon then we went bowling. I love bowling. I am not great but I love to do it. Golf too. That is something about me and him. We enjoy doing so many things together. We both love to travel, golf, bowl, ride dirt bikes, play pool, play cards, camp. All that stuff. We always say if we were rich we would have so much fun. But anyways, to me that is what is important. I enjoy his company, I do love him. I respect him. I love being intimate with him. So what more can we ask for in this marriage?? But he just keeps saying he loves me, he loves me a lot, buttttt he is not attracted to me anymore. I just don’t see how you can love someone and say that to them. Doesn’t make any sense to me.

Okay, enough of that babble. I got kinda side tracked there. Can you tell I have so much confusion on that in my head? I just kinda go through day by day pretending everything will work out when I think inside it tears me apart. So on the good news, I just feel like right now I am getting so many positive things going on with me. Me alone. No marriage, no parenting. Just about me. I make better choices (and when I don’t I think of the work I am going to have to do to make up for it) and going to workout doesn’t seem like a chore right now. I look forward to going and making progress. I am liking this change. Now if I would quit ruining my work. It feels like I loose three pounds gain it back loose it gain it back. Ugg.

Well, better get going. I have bored your eyes out long enough. Thanks all so much for the comments about the picture. I appreciate it very much. Someday I will get a decent photo taken of myself with my REAL body. Not of course in that pose. I think I will wear a lot more clothing…lol

My Weakness

2005-11-25T14:47:00.000-05:00

Ohhhhhh, I have found my weakness. No it wasn’t Thanksgiving. Matter of a fact I breezed through Turkey Day without much problems. I jumped on the scale this morning and I didn’t gain a pound. BUT THEN, I get to work and we get our first departmental gift… a BIG BAG OF FUDGE. Chocolate and Peanut Butter. And I have eaten it until I thought I was gonna get sick. How could I do this to myself? For one, it is so boring here today. The patient load wasn’t too bad. Had a little rush this morning but this afternoon it has been dead. Half the employees are off so no one to talk to. No bloggers are updating yet so nothing to really read on the net. Just boring. So I sat and ate fudge. Bad bad me. I am going to the gym after work. I don’t think that will make much of a dent in the fudge encrusted gut of mine. But I will not let myself off. I will work hard tonight. Maybe even go to the gym on Sat and Sun this week (I normally don’t go on the weekends). Get back on track. I will see that 203 by New Years. Okay, I think I am really hoping to be at 200 by New Years but I didn’t want to officially make that my goal as I am not sure that is even feasible for my body. And then I will be let down. But I think I am kinda hoping for that anyways.

So I tried to upload that photo again. I am beginning to think I am not suppose to post it. I don’t know why I cant get it to go. I am going to keep trying though. I do need to get atleast another decent head shot of myself to post too so you can see what I look like. I always think its nice if I know what the people am talking to look like so I thought I would do mine. Hopefully I can get it to go sometime. Maybe it is Gods way of saying I know I shouldn’t put it up. I know my hubby would be mad, and I was only going to post that one for about a week and then delete it so that way the people I talk to can see it but its not out there forever. Knowing my luck someone I know would happen to come across it and be like Hey I know them. They say to hubby.. I saw that picture..lol That would not be pretty.

Oh yeah, how do you make a link. Like on the posts where you refer to something and the word is highlighted and you can link to it? I was able to get the link to come up but I couldn’t make it just show a word. It showed the whole link address.

Okay, enough babbling. I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

2005-11-23T10:41:00.000-05:00

Ahh, the day before Thanksgiving. I am just happy because I get a day off! I wish I had Friday off too but unfortunately this hospital doesn’t ever close.

I weighed this morning again. Was kind of one of those moments where I wasn’t going to weight after yesterday. I didn’t want to see the damage I did. But then I thought well, lets look at it and that will probably keep me going for today. Knowing I need to be good today with turkey day around the corner. So anyways, there was nothing. No loss (of course not) but no gain. I think my scale is planning some kind of revenge on me. I have a feeling one of these days it’s going to jump up about 5 pounds and crush me. Like it is just tricking me right now. My scale and I have a touch and go relationship. I would love to get a new one. I saw one, a Weight Watchers one on Hungrygirl.com one day and I would love that one. Right now I just have a boring digital one. Nothing fancy. Doesn’t even have the decimal numbers. Just flat out whole numbers. There was a food scale on there that day too that I would love to have. I would put them on my Christmas list but we really don’t do Christmas big. We get for the kids and some other family members and when we get done with that we really don’t get to buy for each other because there is no money left. And I refuse to charge up the cards at Christmas time.

So what is your eating strategy going to be for Thanksgiving? I think mine is going to be all about small portions. I know it is not realistic for me to say, no mashed potatoes, no bread, ect (got to love them carbs) so I am going to just eat small amounts, drink water…no soda. I am learning that even if I indulge in something small that I should at least have water instead of soda and that will make some difference. I used to think; well I am splurging anyways so I will have a soda too. It’s nice to notice some changes. Oh hey speaking of changes, I am noticing some at the gym. I can do that hiker thing now for 6 minutes and I can slowly jog (4.0 mph) for 3 minutes without dying.
While thinking of what I am thankful for this holiday, I am very thankful for my job, my wonderful and supportive family and friends, and of course you guys. This blog has helped me so much with my progress. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and enjoy the day.

I feel sick

2005-11-22T15:04:00.000-05:00

Hey guys! I am still hanging in there. The good news…I have lost 6 pounds according to the scale this morning. The bad news….that was before the bake sale at work this morning. UGG. But I am not letting that get me down. I am going to the gym tonight after work and going extra hard. And start all over tomorrow. I feel very gross now with all I ate from that damned bake sale. I feel sick even. Sometimes I say, if I could make myself sick I would..lol But I cant and don’t. So I will be miserable and hope once again that I have learned my lesson. But man, you guys sure do help a lot. For one, Diane, I got those Kashi waffles. Yuuumm!! I have to say I didn’t really care for the Morningstar sausage links, but I did nuke them so perhaps they are better done in a skillet. And Bob, your comments always hit home. Thanks you guys for everything.

So I went out Friday. We had an awesome time. It was great. I did get paid back by the hubby on Saturday. He really went all out on me this time. It was a night from hell. But I am not concentrating on that. I am concentrating on what I need to do for me. I am coming at peace with myself. Realizing that even though I know I am dumb for putting up with some of what I do, that I shouldn’t let that bring me down. Sometimes I think, man people have to think I am so retarded. But ya know what, even so, that shouldn’t affect what I eat for the day or my exercise. If I keep up with those two things maybe eventually I will feel good about myself and I wont put up with that crap. Or he will say hey.. wow and give me the respect I have been asking for. Yes I know, he should do that now but that is not happening. We have even had another circumstance where the girl (I refuse to say woman as she is only freaking 19 years old) he was emotionally cheating on me with a year and half ago started working at his work place again. And you know what, I am dealing with that very well, at least I think. I am kinda using it as more of motivation for me. Of course I would love to go wait for her and just give her one big punch but that will do nothing. And it takes two. And he did not tell me she was working there again, I had to hear it from somewhere else. That is the part that did not make me happy.
Well, I hope you all are doing well. Thanks again for stopping by and your comments. I really do appreciate them.

TGIF

2005-11-18T12:36:00.000-05:00

Hello! I never did get around to checking in yesterday. I haven’t done the greatest the last two days. It must be something in the air cause I have seen where a few others have mentioned they aren’t doing so good either. The good thing is I have been conscious of my servings, foods and try to cut back or skip something else. The scale hasn’t been screaming at me yet. I bet it will tomorrow. I have a dinner tonight that I don’t think will be the best. I have two friends, yup, a whole two..ha ha They know that things haven’t been good for me in a while so they are taking me out tonight for a fancy dinner and some dancing. I am so excited. We are going to the big city of Columbus so that will be so much fun. Of course, I have a bit of reservations about it beings I am sure my husband will have to pay me back sometime soon and go out. As if I got one up on him? Yeah right, he’s got about 50 over me so I deserve a night. But I am sure he wont see it that way. This week at his bowling night, this was the first night of that since everything that happened last week and I thought we would prove to me that he is working on the marriage and what I have asked of him out of this (the respect of calling and not being out all the time). Needless to say he came home at 1:30 am. Guess that tells me how much he is working huh? I just don’t know what to do anymore.
So I guess that is all I got today. Not going to bother with the food log as it wasn’t the greatest. I haven’t forgotten about that picture I was going to post and actually I have tried to post it twice and couldn’t get it to go. I will try try again.

Dieting is HARD

2005-11-16T14:17:00.000-05:00

Man, I am kinda later today then I have been so I hope I remember what all I ate yesterday. Or what little..tee hee I know it was a good day.

Breakfast – Oh yeah, I had that dang gone egg McMuffin and a coke
No mid morning snacks as breakfast was bad
Lunch – Left over supper, about 3 oz chicken breast marinated in ff Italian dressing, little bit of cheesy mashed potatoes, and mixed veggies
Afternoon Snack – No Pudge Chocolate Fudge Bar, 100 calorie granola bar
Supper – Salad (lettuce, ff cheese, few ham cubes, few chicken, 1 boiled egg, ranch dressing)
Drinks other than that stupid coke was about 104 ounces of water

Exercise – 40 minutes on treadmill doing the walk/jog intervals and 2 minutes on the hiker.

Okay, so now that I looked at it. Not that good. Damned. I should of done that before I had lunch today and I might have not made a bad choice then. Okay, lesson learned. And tonight is bowling so its pizza night. Since I did bad at lunch I have decided noooo soda’s for me tonight. I will stick with water. I usually allow myself a soda on bowling night. I love and I mean LOVE soda. But tonight I will have water and maybe that will make a little ground for my bad lunch choice. Okay, I will confess now instead of tomorrow on my menu. I brought the left over salad for lunch and I didn’t have much at home to bring for breakfast so come lunch time I was famished and once I get hungry, lettuce just doesn’t even sound good sooo they had this walnut cake in the cafeteria and I bought a piece of it and had that with a few bites of salad. I should of known better. I even felt so guilty taking it to the register to buy it. I should of listened to myself and put it down. What do you do when you are engulfed in hunger pains and there really aren’t any good things to eat? I try to plan everything ahead of time, and as with my breakfasts lately I just didn’t have the money when grocery shopping to pick me up something this week. I got some wonderful tips from Diane so I hope to be able to get me some Kashi waffles and morningstar sausage for next week. That all just seems so much for breakfast I feel like I am cheating when I am full..lol I am just getting discouraged because I thought I had been doing fairly well and would have a bit better results right now. I should just weigh every other day. It is not realistic for me to only do once a week. I need to look more closely at the numbers of food. I think I am only looking at the “nutritional feel” so to speak. I think, well it sounds good to have a SB cereal bar and an apple for breakfast when here I could have more and be less hungry. Oh this stuff is so confusing.
Thanks everyone for all your advice so far. I really value it.

Another day

2005-11-15T10:11:00.000-05:00

I’ve got a boring day in store for me. I have already tackled about 2 ½ hours of this shift, gee only 6 more to go. Every now and then I have to fill in for a girl that works at an off site part of our Lab and it is not very exciting over here. The biggest bonus is there is no cafeteria, no vending machines, no nothing. If you didn’t bring it, you can eat it..lol The bad part is one of my morning traditions every time I have worked over here is stop at McDonalds and get breakfast. So this morning, while not really having anything at home to pack for breakfast ( I had been planning to rely on the oatmeal they serve in the cafeteria at the hospital all week for breakfast this week so I didn’t buy much at the store) I held my tradition but I made a few better choices. For one, no value meal. No hashbrown. And I got an egg mcmuffin. They are the best choice, okay well no McDonalds is the best choice but still. Next time hopefully she will plan her day off more in advance and I will break my tradition and bring my own breakfast.

Yesterday I feel I did pretty well. My menu:
Breakfast – about ½ to ¾ cup oatmeal with equal
Mid Morning – apple
Lunch – Turkey and ham sub, bag of baked lays
Mid Afternoon – lowfat string cheese, ff jello with ff cool whip
Before supper to tide me over – SF popsicle
Dinner – with the family but I did make them chicken breasts marinated in FF Zesty Italian dressing, cheesy potatoes, and mixed veggies (in which I had considerable smaller side portions than usual)
And I had no “dessert” cause I thought I had enough stuff for the day and didn’t deserve one.
I had about 80-90 ounces of water, I don’t think I had any other beverages all day which was odd for me. I usually have at least an iced tea to mix things up.
Exercise – Did approximately 45 minutes on the treadmill doing 1 minute jog and 2 minute walk intervals and 3 minutes on the hiker machine. Got a really good sweat, felt great.

The scale this morning said 210. I was 208 when I went “off” NS foods. I have gotten back to 213 after that so at least I am on the way back down. So I have been wondering, what exactly is a serving size of chicken do you think. I mean if it is your main entrée. I know I have heard 1 ounce or something. But I measured one ounce last night, and that was mighty small to me if that is your only entrée. I thought NS you could have an ounce as a protein or something and that was in addition to whatever else you were having. I was just trying to figure that one out. And another opinion poll here, with weighing 210 right now, what do you think my end of the year goal should be? I am so not good at setting realistic goals. I had thought 200, but I was afraid that would be too much and if I didn’t make it I would be upset, I seem to be a slow looser. But maybe you are suppose to kinda set something like that to push yourself? Please let me know your opinion.

Im back

2005-11-14T11:46:00.000-05:00

I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth. Sometimes I think that is unfortunate..ha ha Things were bad for a bit, but I am back and I am not going to let this slow me down. My husband and I separated for a few days trying to sort things out. I can’t say that we got them figured out and I don’t even know what we are doing. Sometimes I wonder why I even am considering still working at it. My problem with him is basically his lack of respect for me. All I ask is that he call me if he is not going to be in the place I am assuming he is at. Fill me in on his events. I have never said he can’t enjoy a happy hour every now and then. Just let me know you are going and be home at a decent time. If you see you can’t possibly tear yourself away at a decent time then call. Sure I will not be happy but it is better then sitting at home wondering where he is, if something happened, ect. His problem with me is lack of attraction. Gee how do I fix that? I have always been heavy. I was overweight when we met. So what is different? He says he is different. Lucky me. So do I deal with this ridiculous idiotic thing of his or let the fire within me dwindle? I have no freaking idea. Right now I am dealing with it, trying to make heads or tails. Kinda like I don’t want to make any radical changes that I may want to change later then its too late. I feel like I am trying to beat a dead horse. (or something of that affect). We have been going through this for a year and a half. I fail at dieting, his respect for me fades. Should we even try anymore?

So on the diet front all is well. I did have a loss last week. What? I am not too sure cause it doesn’t make sense. Yesterdays scale showed a 5 pound loss so I doubled checked it this morning and it was up 3 pounds. Humpf. But a 2 pound loss is still acceptable. Just thought it would be more since it was my first actual week. I am still in progress of those pictures I had them all ready on Thursday then with everything I got pissed off and just deleted them off my email! Lol So now I need to resend them.
So that is it for now. Someday I hope this blog isn’t such a heavy one. It would be nice to have people look forward to reading it cause it is funny or something. Not so serious.

2005-11-10T10:31:00.000-05:00

I wont be checking in today. I am leaving work early. Things not good at home. Hope to check in tomorrow. Take care everyone.

Still trucking along

2005-11-09T15:02:00.000-05:00

Well, I am not as smart as I was hoping I was! I didn’t get to finish adding all the blogs I wanted to yesterday and ran out of time so today I went in to add some more and I couldn’t get anymore to show. I typed in about 5 more and it only showed one of them. I went in a redid it all, saved it, republished it, and nothing. Couldn’t get it to work. So luckily, most of the ones I wanted to add are also on Bob and Jenni’s links so I will just have to continue linking off them after I visit there site. Ugg, these computers.

So things are still on the up and up. I kicked ass at the gym last night. Okay, no ones ass really got kicked by me and my ass is still as big but man did I ever feel great after words. I did my intervals of walking 2 minutes and jog one minute for about 30 minutes then I cooled down. I didn’t do the stair thing cause it was kinda crowded and I didn’t want the embarrassment of getting on there for two minutes and getting off all red faced and huffing and the people there being like “what the heck, did she even get started on it??”. But that treadmill went good. Then I got home and had supper with the family, which was tuna noodle casserole (thank you tuna helper) and some peas and carrots and applesauce. My newest strategy for the dinners is to let my hubby make my plate. I knew there was a way he keeps that 29 inch waist, despite his beer habit and eating chips and things late at night… he is a very good “portion assessor” (if that is such a thing). So I ate what he put on my plate, nothing more. Didn’t even raid that Halloween candy last night and NO SODA for me… (and no Bob, it wasn’t diet Sunkist L) Today hasn’t been bad. OOHH wait, and I snuck a peak at the scale and had a 3 pound loss. I know I know, water weight and it may not stick but it was a big motivation for me. Of all days I wake up hungrier than ever but I have not ate anything horrible. Oh wait, I did have two cheesesticks at lunch (yeah the deep fried breaded ones) but man, they had them in the café here at work and normally I would of had like 6 so I was happy with my 2. So for breakfast I had a breakfast bar and an apple. Then I didn’t think I would make it to lunch so I had a SB cookie. Then for lunch I had the cheese sticks and a salad. And for snack I had a cheesestick (not that bad ones) and almonds. I have not had anything but water and one iced tea to drink. The kicker though is tonight is my bowling night. I usually have a soda and pizza for supper on these nights. And I don’t get to work out. SOO I have decided I will drink several big glasses of water before I go, downsize my jumbo pepsi to a medium and only have a few pieces of pizza. It is not realistic for me to plan on not having any. I mean most of this is about a lifestyle change right? So ideally in my lifestyle I will still be bowling every Weds and they will still eat pizza, so I should figure out how to enjoy it without going overboard. Right?? Or am I just blowing smoke up my own butt?

So time to get to the potty. Boy do I ever pee a lot these days. Hope tomorrow I can post them pics.

Day 2

2005-11-08T14:17:00.000-05:00

I have finally figured out how to put links on the side!! Yeah for me, and I figured it out all on my own. Of course there was probably an easier way to do it then what I did, but hey they are there and now I don’t have to type all the addresses in to go read the blog. That should take about 15 minutes off my blog time for the day (ha ha..jenni..lol).

So yesterday, I did okay. Didn’t do as well as I had hoped but I didn’t do as bad as usual. Lets see, I finished my work day with a snack of cheese stick and almonds. When I left work I went straight to the gym and got on the treadmill. Man, I was kicking ass. I was doing like 3.2 mph then I would kick it up to 4.0 mph for one minute then do 3.2 for two minutes then back to 4.0 and was doing better then expected. I mean, these 5’3” legs go pretty quick at 4.0 mph..lol Not quite a jog for me but a bit faster then a walk. Anyways, so I am getting into it, thinking when I get done I will do the elliptical thing again for two minutes. Was about 20 minutes into it and some lady comes up, the kiddies are being bad in the kid room so instead of my husband going to check it out I went and ended up taking them home. They were just not listening and I didn’t want to have it end in some major embarrassment so I just said fine and took them home. So I have decided that I would just eat dinners with the family but work on portions because that is more practical for me. So I made this thing called Pasta Ham Bake. OHH talk about good. So while I was making it I did nibble on a few French onions, ham cubes. Man that stuff is so good and I did make a few health conscious choices that the family wouldn’t notice, I used 2% cheese and no fat low sodium chicken broth. It could be made much healthier such as using whole wheat pasta but I just cannot get into the whole wheat pasta yet. Anyways, so my serving size was not that great. And I did have a bit of Sunkist soda and we had applesauce with it. And later, I did sneak one mini snickers bar out of the kids Halloween candy. I think that is about it. So not great but better. Some effort was made. And of course I checked the scale this morning..lol One pound lower, of course water but atleast that means something.

Today, for breakfast I had a South Beach bar and an apple. For lunch I had a salad (lettuce, ff cheese, a few croutons and ranch dressing) and another one of those soup at hand things (velvet potato). I really like this soup thing, it is very filling. I plan on going to the gym after work (and being uninterrupted). For snack I have a few options, I have a South Beach cookie, or cheese and almonds again. Oh yeah and I brought some ff jello with ff cool whip. It feels like I am bringing a refrigerator into work every day! But I want to be prepared. It stinks though because I have been trying to keep track of atleast my calories along the day to see where I stand but I forgot to get some of the counts from the bags at home.

So enough of the babbling today. Geesh, I thought I would write less if I wrote every day..lol
That reminds me too, I am working on putting some photos up. I have one I thought I would show you that we got taken on our honeymoon (where they transpose your head onto something else) and we got them taken as a half nekkid cowgirl/cowboy. It is the only time my husband has used the word sexy to describe me, and wouldnt you know its because its not even my body..lol Just my head and some hot chicks body. Hopefully I can do that tomorrow or Thursday.

Starting Over

2005-11-07T14:20:00.000-05:00

Okay, so today I start out trying all this over again. Trying to follow some sort of diet. Something to get me going. I plan to blog everyday (well Mon-Fri when I am at work..lol) to get my mind in order. Maybe write down everything I eat and get some input from some people (if there is anyone out there, I am thinking I scared everyone off). Get out of this negative mood. Its like a never changing thing. So I am going to work on changing it. Things have been not so great at home. We have had a big fight recently, only to go over the same things we have been for the last year. Its like I could record the conversation and replay it about every six months. I get unhappy and sad because he has no respect for me, stays out till 2 in the morning drinking beer with his “buds”. He says he loves me but “just doesn’t have that spark” and therefore doesn’t think of the little things (okay, like coming home is a little thing?). He is unhappy cause I am still fat, I am unhappy cause I can’t diet cause I am not happy so I turn to food. Ugg, a never ending battle. So I need to do something. Yeah, yeah, I have been here before… had this same game plan.. maybe this time will be the TIME.. ;)

So I got back to the gym. Luckily (and perhaps not so luckily) I have a gym that I just pay as I go. So I got my membership paid for the month of November and I went twice last week. Its not an elaborate gym, maybe that is why they let us come and go..lol so I really can only do the treadmill, stair climber thing, recumbent bike, and free weights. I would really love to join our YMCA but it is too expensive. Anyways, this week I plan on going atleast Mon Tues and Thursday and ideally once over the weekend. So far I have only done the treadmill for about 30-40 minutes and the stair thing for a whopping 2 minutes. Ha ha

In the food part, this morning I had a breakfast burrito with a whole wheat tortilla, cheese and chive egg beaters with sautéed onions, and ff mozz cheese and an apple. I don’t know what the deal was but boy I sure did feel nauseated after eating that. I need to come up with something better for breakfast. More filling. Sometimes them eggs and things just don’t settle well. I love bread in the morning. Not to mention someone brought donuts in today and I sat there eating my food looking at them.. ugg Anyways, then for lunch I brought one of the Campbells soup on hand things and a salad but my tummy still wasn’t well so I ate the soup and a 100 calorie granola bar and a iced tea. Then just a bit ago someone tempted me with a cheese biscuit and I ate it. In going along with 1200 calories I still have 50 cals to spend before I leave work to stay on track. I think I read that I could have 1200-1500 a day to still loose. So I think I can make this day happen. Not too good on the veggies/fruits but I am doing better. I have had 60 oz of water so far too.

Anyways, that is well over enough for today. Gee when I write I make a book. No wonder no one ever comments..lol Hopefully if I do this every day they wont be so long cause then I have not so much to tell.. ha

2005-10-24T12:24:00.000-05:00

I have been lurking everywhere. I keep coming to mine and think about blogging, but there really is nothing to talk about. And if I take too long to write it, this stupid computer here at works knocks me out and when I log back on to the net it takes my story and eats it. So far when that has happened I was able to recover some of it but not all. So frustrating especially when you are happy with how you worded the first one. After I get all the steam out of me I just dont seem to do it the same the second time around..lol I have thought alot about what Bob said in my last comment (blogging everyday to get my thoughts out there and all) and that was my intentions from the beginning. It just hasnt worked that way as I am so stinking boring! ha I mean one person can only complain so much about their spouse and being overweight! On that front though, everything is about the same old same old. I gained six pounds since going off NS foods. Today though, usual Monday. I wake up, say okay chickey we are going to do this. We are not going to give ourselves a break until we get to 199. Then maybe we will have a nice filling meal and get back on the band wagon. Brought all my good foods to work. Didnt do too bad for breakfast. And I did not order out lunch today. Although what I brought wasnt that nutritionally balanced, but its what I had in the fridge and wasnt as bad as I have been so I am alright with that. Not beating myself up. I got some of that Dexatrim Max stuff. I had a coupon for it as I seem to have a big problem with my appetite. That is what gets the best of me everytime. Not to mention sometimes the lack of extra moolah to buy me some nutritional food on top of the groceries I have to buy for the rest of my family. And when it comes to the hubby which I so often speak so highly of (tee hee can you tell I am a bit peeved with him today?) he would rather spend more money on oh lets say his halloween costume and beer then to leave money in the account for groceries. He would much rather use 20 bucks on something like gas in his old car so he can "cruise before the weather gets bad", or for that weekly 18-24 pack of BudLight and then to try to find ways to make that up at the grocery store by buying salsbury steak for $2.00 instead of the package of extra lean ground beef to make something healthier. I am almost fed up with all that crap. I am tired of every Friday trying to come up with plans as a family so I dont have to worry about him going to happy hour after work and not coming home until extremely late. Which might I add doesnt always work, this Friday I made plans for us to go to his dads after work and his happy hour still turned into happy hourS and came home at 7:15 toasted off his rump so we had to go to his dads and he was a bit tipsy. Real nice. Then Saturday we had a halloween party we goto (adults) and he is drunk again. I mean everyone needs to tie one on every now and again but I just dont see doing it every weekend after a certain age when you have kids and all. Of course, then who always gets to be the primary care giver to the kids? Which I am not complaing but sometimes I feel if I am going to be doing it all, then why bother with the headaches of being married. I can do the same thing and be single and not have to worry about where my husband is all the time and if he is going to meet someone else again. Oh such the drama. One day I will grow up. One day I will say "hey I am sick of this and if you cant make it atleast 50- 50 then we dont need to pretend anymore".. ahh...someday.....
Ha I am thinking maybe I should blog everyday! I could go on and on but these stinking patients keep coming in. Man, they act like I should wait on them or something.. ha ha Better get to work, maybe will vent some more soon.

2005-10-12T12:43:00.000-05:00

I think I am addicted to blogs. I love reading these things. There are some people that totally crack me up. And I dont really know how I stumble across these. But when I find a good one I write it down and check it everyday for their new posts. I really wish I knew how to add them to my blog. The comment I got on the post before they posted something about blog roller.com and I went there and registered but did not figure jack out. So in the mean time, I will keep a running list of the ones I love in my desk drawer!
So other than being a blog lover, nothing new is going on in my dull life. Work sucks. Dieting sucks. Everything sucks. I need meds! lol But I just dont want to go on them. I think I am mainly afraid of the weight side effects. I cant even loose on my own let alone if I were to be on meds. I have been on some before but I dont recall how my body reacted in the weight department. I think at that stage in my life weight really wasnt an issue. Maybe that is why it is now? ha I think somedays I am on a fast track to a heart attack. Not only because of my weight but because I hold so much inside of me. Somedays my chest hurts and I just feel like I am boiling inside. I hear this is anxiety. These people at work are annoying. Some of the people we get in here.. can you say retarded? I mean I know I am not something to brag about but my goodness. Get some brains already. One of my favorite things to say is ya know, its like when you come in with Walmart bags and someone says "hey did you go to walmart?" No... I went to Taco Bell. WTF??? My marriage sucks per se. As far as in I think I am driving my husband either 1) away or 2) crazy. I am the most insecure looney person I think he has ever met. I dont think I was this bad before he cheated. But now... just knowing that he isnt happy with my weight makes me feel as though he is out there walking around checking out every half way decent woman around wishing it were his wife, or atleast a lay. Its bad. I keep telling him, ya know if you arent happy here I wish you would just say it and we can move on with our lives. Sometimes I feel as though I am trying to get him to end this and it not be my fault. But I really do not think that is my agenda. I think we make a great couple otherwise. I mean we have the same parenting style (do not believe in cussing in front of the children, ect..), we love to do the same things (bowl, golf, party, play pool, cards, ride dirt bikes). We have tons of fun together. Ya know, like a really good friendship and people say friendship is what makes a marriage.. And have I mentioned I think he is very sexy? I am very attracted to him. So why dont I just give in to his request and really try hard to loose some weight to save this wonderful thing? I have no clue. I mean I wake up and I say "Self, you love your husband and dont want to be without him so lets get on the ball today." I pack my good for me food and head to work. I eat my nutritionally balanced breakfast, and then order out for lunch. What the heck self? I thought we were going to be good today? Where'd that go? I am so weak.
So enough of my whining in my self pity. I really dont think there is one person that would torture themselves enough to even make it to the end of this. They will never come back. But I guess that is not my big reason for having a blog. Its just nice to get this out of my system somehow.

2005-10-05T09:37:00.000-05:00

Man, I wish I could figure out this technology stuff. There are so many cool things I see people doing with their blogs but I just cant figure out how to do it. Not to mention most of the time I am writing/playing with my blog I am at work. Our computer at home stinks. Even though we have cable connection, our computer itself is bogged down. I would love to get a new one, however it is not on my list of priorities..lol I am surprised right now I have actually been working on Christmas for the kids. I dont recall ever being on the ball in October but so far I have a layaway started and some clothes ordered. It is so much easier buying for my daughter than my son. I have like double the things for her already so I have to even it up. But with doing it at work, its not like I can add photos and stuff. But I would like to figure out how to add like "friends" on the side bar like I have seen people do. Ya know, the links to others blogs that I read. That way I can click on them and read them easier.
Anyways, on the diet front, all is the same. I half ass am working my way through the days. Like I will do good for breakfast, eat a bad lunch, then a decent supper. I need to get back on track and get this weight going. I remember when I went like a whole week on NS 100%. The best I have ever done. I was thinking this morning that I need to make it through a week doing this NS on my own stuff and do it right and see what the results are. And if it is just not going that well, going back on NS. I know it was expensive and I really hate charging that every month but like I said, atleast when I was doing NS I did make it through some days 100%. Since I have been doing it "on my own" I seem to have invented a new meaning for that. I have not had one 100% day since doing it on my own. Hum.. I know I need to get on it. Get this weight loss back to moving. I know my hubby must be thinking..gee I thought she was going to diet?? Not to mention I have been beating myself up terribly about it therefore it reflects into everyother part of my life. I have been snapping at everyone, been feeling like my insides are on fire, my heart pounds flutters and flips and pounds, I have headaches. I am stressed. Like this weekend, we got a sitter and went out with a friend of my husbands and his girlfriend. I have know her since high school, didnt like her then dont like her now. She is one of those women, for one she was alot heavier, had gastric bypass and now thinks she is it. For two, she thinks she has to be right in your husbands face to talk to them and has to be touching their arm. That aggrevates me to no end. So the whole night I sat there like a bump on a log sulking. I am sure my husband had less of a fun time because of me and normally when we go out we have alot of fun. Now I dont think it would bother me as much if I were happier with myself. Also, it doesnt help that my husband has come right out and told me he wants me to loose weight to make our marriage better and he told me when he was seeing the other girl that he was no longer attracted to me. So that lingers alot. So I think if I would get my butt in gear and atleast get to a place where I felt more comfortable, and for me that is not like no 120 or 130 it is like a 160 or 170 it wouldnt bother me as much to be around this little rip. She would not bother me as much because I would be like, my man is happy with me so you can hang all you want and he aint going nowhere.. ha ha So you would think would be a good motivation to get myself going but for some reason I have this never ending cycle. Its like I get all fired up okay I am gong to do this and show them, then I get mad and think why cant people like me for me (while I am eating something bad). There is a big halloween party coming up that we have always looked forward to and now she is going to be there and I have stressed so much about it already to the point of bawling over it because I know she is going to be hanging on my husband, not to mention her little friends. Ugg. I just want to scream. I am thinking seriously, I need counseling. I should check on our insurance and see what it would cover. Maybe if I got this mental thing down the weight would follow. I dunno. Anyways, enough rambling for today. I finally got a few people that are reading this and I dont want to scare them away...I value their insights and suggestions..lol

2005-09-27T12:54:00.000-05:00

Well I havent been too good at this blog thing. Everytime I think of writing I think, well noone is reading this anyways, not to mention I really have a boring life. The diet thing is not going so well. I have not gained but I am not loosing. My eating is sometimes, okay most of the time, out of control. I believe I need to attend Overeaters Anonymous. I am kinda ashamed to go. Let alone tell my husband I need to go. He has no clue sometimes what I have eaten. I have researched it online and took this test. It was like if you had 3 or more yes answers you have problems, and I had almost all of them yes. That is sad. I am sad. I really want to loose. I want my husband to be attracted to me. I want to have a happier marriage. I want to be happier. Why cant I stick to this? What cant I say no to foods? I was trying to stick with the NS without the food guidelines and I have been doing poorly. Its like since I am not eating prepackaged food I have given myself a ticket to go wild. I wish I could make more NS friends. I see the people that write to eachother all the times, check out their blogs and know eachothers first names even when they use their screen name. I just dont seem to find anyone that can remember me. Oh well, I cannot use that as an excuse for me letting my eating go to crap. I need to control myself. I even joined a thing here at work where we paid so much to join and at the end of three months who ever has lost the most wins the pot. It has been a week and I only maintained this week, no loss. Considering what I have eaten, I will take that. Well have to leave abruptly, time to get off work...yippeee!

2005-09-09T10:46:00.000-05:00

Well this is a new thing to me. Trying this blog thing. Just wanted to say hello to anyone if they actually visit this. I plan on adding pictures and stuff after I figure this technology stuff out. I love reading all the blogs so I thought this would be fun. As my profile says, I am 30 years old and I have two children. I have been married for almost 6 years. I started Nutrisystem about the end of June and kinda laxed off the last few weeks. I am leaning towards doing the NS on my own because I think I am not doing so hot because I am just not excited about the food anymore. I have researched (well printed off everything Amy Smith and Christina Gray have written) and think I am ready to make this step. Next week I will start with doing mostly my own breafasts as I am almost out of NS breakfast, then I will run out of lunches next, then suppers, then desserts. So it will be a little at a time. I also love the helpful information Christine from Extreme_Makeover has given me so I think I am more informed then I ever have been. I realize it will be a slow process. I really want to do this. I feel so miserable in my body now. There is a thinner me wanting to get out. To not feel so inferior around everyone else, to not walk with my head to the ground wondering what everyone is thinking of me. When I take my daughter to her cheerleading practices and games to not feel that all the other moms think they are better than me. A little over a year ago I was about 40ish pounds heavier but lost some due to stress (marital stress, hubby met someone else). I and then got happy again when we worked things out and before I knew it I was back to have gained about 20 pounds. Part of the marital problems was my weight. So, as my NS profile says (hopetoloose), in hopes of gaining my marriage back (which is going pretty good by the way, only I hope to make it even better but making my spouse actually enjoy my body and me not to be so reserved about it). Enjoy my silliness!